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Tuesday, February 18, 2003
I dont believe Ma sometimes! She phoned me this morning and accused me of telling Bryan *my cousin* that she's not ill cos I told him she was ok! I meant it as "you know she's not fine, but she's ok". I mean, WTF??? Naku, narrow-minded talaga! Tita Del phoned her and she thought Ma was just pretending that she's seriously ill! Can you believe that?!?! I dont really like telling other people things like this, so I just say theyre ok and stuff. Ma also told me she wasnt really honest with me about her illness. I mean, she shouldve told me in the first place anyway! Naku, nakaka-bwisit talaga! She just managed to ruin my morning and my day today!• • • • • Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Finally sorted out Emily's lump. We went to see Dr Fay this afternoon and he explained about getting a biopsy. I feel a lot better now that he has explained the pros and cons about it. I didnt really like how Dr Crabbe making it appear as if an operation was the only option. Anyway, that's finally sorted out.
Ive managed to also tell the dr. about my thyroxine dosage. He prescribed an additional 25 mcg to add to my 50 mcg initial dosage. He said, my thyroxine levels are in the normal range, but sometimes the body seems to need more than the usual. Im to have a blood test next month to see if the increased dosage works. Ive also read that one needs a blood test every 3-4 weeks until the set dosage has been determined. We'll wait and see what happens with that. Deposited the cheque that Papa sent me for Emily's birthday. He sent US $100, but he wrote Anne Prince instead of Anna, so the bank personnel asked me to sign Anne Prince and she said she'll see if that works. She'll phone me if they return the cheque *I hope not*, but if it goes through, then we can go back to the bank and open an account for Emily, with Gary and I as her trustees. • • • • • Tuesday, February 11, 2003
 to Raffy, who turns 26 today! Also to my half-sister, Sarah, who turns 19 today as well! Sending you both lots of cyber  and kisses!• • • • • Well, Emily is ! We celebrated her 2nd birthday last Sunday. It was her christening day too. Ill write some more later as Emily wants to have a nap now :-)• • • • • Monday, February 10, 2003
Well Emily's birthday has come and gone. My baby's two years old :). Ill write more later as Im bone-tired. Been up since 5 am yesterday with only an hour and a half sleep!• • • • • Sunday, February 09, 2003
Well, I think all is ready for Emily's big day *in about 5 hours 41 mins*. My baby's two years old!!! *sniff sniff* It seems like yesterday when I gave birth to her.
Im still worried about what Im going to wear. Ma sent me this beautiful skirt and she also got me this shirt with a matching cardigan, but when I tried it on, I looked like a granny-- Im not kidding! I hated it and I vowed not to wear it ever again! In fact, it made me even more determined to see a proper specialist and lose weight. Now Ive no idea what to wear. I know it sounds so trivial, but I just cant wear the same suit in a space of a month! *sigh* I dont know what to do! Ill write some more when Im more calmer... • • • • • Saturday, February 08, 2003
Geez, just had a scare! I wanted to learn how to make frames for my website and went to this site and this pop-up warning came up saying that it detected some virus and couldnt delete it! OMG! Managed to iolate it, but Norton couldnt repair or delete it, so I dont know. Gary said it's probably nothing to worry about, but I still feel bad and uneasy.
Oh, btw, the package Ma sent us has arrived here in the UK. We missed the delivery, and dig this: we have to pay £43 as it went through customs and it had to be handled by ParcelForce. Customs fees and VAT and ParcelForce handling fee came to £42.91! We got so worried on how we were going to pay for it and how we were going to pick it up. Anyway, I told dh to use the money we were gonna buy the party food with and dh phoned fil. They went to get it *and it's a 2 and 1/2 hour drive to the depot*. They phoned to let PF know that the package will be picked up. Gary was told that the guy who has our parcel wouldnt be back until later tonight and he'll be in our vicinity tomorrow morning and will re-deliver the package between 8-8.30 am. I was like, WTF?!?! Well, the guy better deliver it or else! The package has Emily's christening dress. Ma told me that she got it for $65 and it will really look pretty on Emily. She was like, it's a baby color, nothing like what your mil has been choosing. She chooses colors as if Emily's a grown-up! I told her, of course I couldnt really complain if mil is the one buying the dress and paying for it, isnt it? I have to admit, I dont really like my mil's sense of color and fashion. *shrug* Ive gained so much weight because of my underactive thyroid. I watched 'Doctors' this afternoon and it was about this woman suffering the same symptoms as I am. To think that whoever checked my blood test results thought I dont need my thyroxine dosage increased, when I know it does! I dont know what to do! I dont really want to have another blood test in case I wait another month to find out the results! The only way to get a second opinion is to go private and pay up, which we cant really afford. Ive checked out the Online Wives Club board and got to know some of the members there. I even found Lynette's username there, although I dont think she goes there anymore cos she has two young children now. Im gonna go now and get some sleep as I need to be up early to wait for the package. • • • • • Friday, February 07, 2003
Yay! My membership to the Online Wives Club has been approved!!! I even received an email from one of the co-mod, Lynn. She just lives about half an hour away from me, in Wakefield! That's just so great! Ooh, Ive also added this cursor trail on my blog! I love it! Ill brb as I want to work on this some more!• • • • • I feel terrible, I feel like Im being selfish for wanting something new to wear for Emily's christening. Gary suggested that I wear the same suit I wore for Emma's wedding last month. I was like, I cant wear purple! I mean, we cant always depend on his mom to get us new clothes most of the time! I just want to wear something special for Emily's special day, KWIM? My goodness, I havent even bought anything new for the last three years! I feel like Im being too materialistic or something, but I cant help but feel this way. Sometimes it's like, Gary looks cross whenever he has to give me some money. Most of the time, I have to give him extra money, and I dont even have a job! Maybe Im just being old-fashioned. I go back to work part-time, nothing will be left of it anyway cos I would have to pay for childcare! That kinda defeats the purpose of going back to work to earn extra money, isnt it? None of my old clothes fit me as Ive gone 3 sizes up cos of my underactive thyroid, *dont even get me started on that one* so I cant wear anything from that. When I think about all this, it sounds really trivial and it shouldnt even be a big deal, but it is to me.Ive given Gena the link to this journal as I dont really feel comfortable writing on my other online journal at PW. She's one of the very few people there I can really trust, y'know? Ive signed up for this Yahoo! message group called OnlineWivesClub. It's for women who met their dh through online and married and has relocated somewhere else. I thought it would be a good idea to have others to talk and share about similar experiences and feelings. Ill go login later and check it out! I hope Christina, the owner of the board, will reply to my email re: help on making my blog as beautiful and fun as hers! Ive also signed up for her graphics site Cheeky Gals Graphics. Ive checked it out and it's great! *Now to just figure out how to put them backgrounds on here! lol* Tres cool! • • • • • Thursday, February 06, 2003
Emily's birthday and christening is coming up, this Sunday. It turns out that Gary has miscalculated his outgoings and spendings that he won't have enough money left to get her a dress and to get me a dress too. Im really hoping and praying that Ma's package arrives here by Saturday so at least Emily will have something really nice and pretty to wear for her baptism and 2nd birthday.
Im really getting stressed out about our situation here. I dont know how much more I can take of all this! I know that everyone goes through trials and hardships, but I feel so overwhelmed by everything now! I dont know where to begin telling you how much I dislike living here! Sometimes I wish I was just back in the US. I think Emily will have a better life over there than over here. Im beginning to think that marrying Gary has been a mistake. Yes, he has helped me on a lot of things, but there were a lot of things Ive since discovered about him that made me have second thoughts. I mean, to think I wanted another child with him! When I got here in England, I found out that he likes to visit those sites with photos of scantily-clad young girls! Of course I blew my top when I found out! He promised not to do it again, but he did anyway, and this while I was pregnant with Emily! Since then, my trust has all but disappeared. He even stared google-eyed at them young girls while we were out together! I really worry about when Emily gets older and Im thinking if he's going to see her like that and maybe like, molest her or something. I should feel terrible even thinking about this-- I confronted him and he said he would never do such a thing-- but still, it's always in the back of my mind. Ive told my sister, Ann and Joy about this worry of mine, and they told me to just keep an eye on Emily. I try not to leave her alone with Gary's dad too. He has this look in his eyes, I cant explain it, but it's there. That's why Im really thinking of going back to the US sometime this year or next year at the latest. Im adamant about not letting Emily grow up here. Aside from my earlier reasons, I dont want her missing out on things. I want her to experience different cultures and foods like I did while I was growing up, and have an open mind on things, unlike her dad and grandma here. Im so unhappy. I spend most of my time here online cos it's where I found some really good friends. Ive tried to make some new friends here, but no such luck, really. It's either, I get stared at cos I look and sound different, or they just didnt bother cos Im not English. Even Aphrodite noticed that when she came to live here last year April. She left the following month cos she just couldnt stand everything, esp. "those xenophobic" people, which I wholeheartedly agree. Ive so many things to write about but itll have to wait until later as it's 4.30 in the morning now. • • • • • Monday, February 03, 2003
OMG! I just got a phone call from Odna! She received my letter yesterday! Woohoo!!! Apparently she also left the Philippines the same year I did, but she left in April and I left in September! She said if she had known that I lived in L.A. we wouldve gotten in touch and stuff! Im just so happy that we're keeping in touch again! Ive looked for her all these years, KWYM? She has a six year old son named Kevin and she's dating this guy right now. She was also studying Nursing, but changed her mind after she gave birth to her son, so she's back in school studying for a teaching degree. Im so grateful for that guy who emailed me her home address! Im gonna go email him and tell him the good news!• • • • • Saturday, January 25, 2003
I broke down in :tears: again this evening. Gosh, Im just a big :cry:baby, but I feel so helpless and worried about the future. I dont know what to do-- I want to go back to the States and hopefully things will be better there, but Im so :scared:! Itll mean Id have to start from scratch! Ive no place to live and no college degree! I keep thinking about Emily's future and if Ill be able to give her what she wants and all, and I just feel frustrated and I worry I wont be able to. I feel envious of Gary cos he gets to go out almost every Saturday night with his mates down at the pub. I wish I could go out with some friends here, but I still havent got any. Im having a self-pity party, but I cant help it anymore! Im still even beginning to think that he'd rather go out than stay here with me-- well, that's understandable when Im this miserable bitch. You know, sometimes I even start thinking that I married a "loser". I feel terrible to even think that about Gary, but it's like he has no motivation about things. My gawd, if I didnt push him into sorting his debts out, he would still have all this enormous credit card bills and we would still be struggling like we did two and a half years ago! :no: It's like, he thinks people will sort out his problems for him, but he has to be the one to do it! I told him his mom and dad wont be there forever and he has to learn to be responsible! I admit I was irresponsible when I was younger, but we're both 28 yo now! Dammit!• • • • • |
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Thoughts n' Feelings      |
